I am sick and tired of corporate lies.

The next company that spams me and writes in the message that I “received this message because [I] registered to receive commercial e-mail messages” should be forced to move their entire headquarters operation to a vomit-filled North Korean alley that reeks of stale piss. Note to corporate spammers: I’m not that stupid. In fact, I’m damn near religious about seeking out your various not-so-tricky “Please, spam me.” check boxes and turning them off. Just because I once ordered an oven thermometer, baseball tickets, office supplies, or a garden gnome does not mean that I want to hear from you every expletive deleted day!Yes, I’m talking to you Major League Baseball, Staples, Dutch Gardens, Griots Garage, Gardener’s Supply, and Kitchen Kapers. You’re all on my List at the moment, and if I were President, the military would have a slew of new targets for its ICBMs.

I get between two hundred and three hundred spam messages per day (on average). Do you honestly believe that I wanted to add to that total?

I’d like to meet the marketing genius that said, “Well, all our customers are idiots just functional enough to know which end of the mouse is up, so let’s just lie to them. They’ll never know the difference.” In fact, I’d like to meet him in a dark alley with a 2x4 in my hands.

What’s even more insulting is that you refuse to honor your unsubscribe procedures. You make up stories about how it will take “several days” to take my e-mail address of your list. Right, several days. I’ll just make a note of that on my calendar. Let’s see, Monday, 26 Jul 04. “MLB.com takes my e-mail address off of their expletive deleted spamming list on which it shouldn’t have been in the first place.” As long as I’m screwing around in my datebook, I’ll just pencil something else in for Tuesday, 27 Jul 04. “MLB.com sends me spam which also indicates that I asked to be spammed.”Of course, these tactics are nothing new. The sub-humans most of us think of when we talk about spammers have been using these same tactics for years. It has just taken the so-called legitimate businesses a while to catch on.