bogen.org

UPS, the Epic Saga of What Should Have Been a Routine Package Delivery
Continues: Well, it appears that UPS managed to deliver one of our
three packages to Sarah’s work today. We can’t confirm that because
the reception desk didn’t tell her that any packages arrived for her (they
usually do), but the UPS web site indicates that a package from her parents
was duly received by someone with a name that would normally work the
reception desk.

Of course, this means that we still have two more packages to get out of
UPS’ moronic clutches. Apparently my half-hour call with them the
other night was a complete waste of time. Rather than redirect all
three packages to Sarah’s work, UPS managed to redirect only one package to
Sarah’s office. The other two packages are scheduled to be delivered to our
house today. Guess what. We won’t be there. So, we’ll get
a notice on our door saying “We tried ever so diligently to deliver
these packages but you weren’t home.” We are going to the SF Opera
tonight. That means we won’t get home until at least 10 PM PST.

UPS, which is only open hours that are convenient for the elderly and the
unemployed, has their call center shutdown at 7 PM PST. That means
that we’ll have to call UPS on Friday to get our packages redirected, again,
hopefully, to Sarah’s office. This means that we will get the packages
at the absolute earliest on Monday, 10 Dec 01, a full two weeks after they
were shipped. However, this is UPS, so it’s entirely possible that
they will invent some new excuse for non-delivery that once again stretches
the bounds of logic and common sense.

A close examination of the UPS tracking log for our packages reveals just
how much the UPS delivery driver sabotaged this whole process.

Status:   Exception
Rescheduled Delivery:   Dec 6, 2001
Shipped to:   ALAMEDA, CA, US
Shipped or Billed on:   Nov 25, 2001 

Tracking Number:   1Z xx xxx xx xxxx xxx x
Service Type:   GROUND
Weight:   5.00 Lbs 

PACKAGE PROGRESS
Date   Time   Location   Activity
Dec 5, 2001   6:37 A.M.   OAKLAND-OAKLAND, CA, US
APARTMENT NUMBER NEEDED, NOT DELIVERED;ADDRESS CORRECTED,
DELIVERY RESCHEDULED
Nov 29, 2001   8:48 P.M.   OAKLAND-OAKLAND, CA, US
APARTMENT NUMBER NEEDED, NOT DELIVERED;POSTCARD
HAS BEEN SENT
    8:47 P.M.   OAKLAND-OAKLAND, CA, US
                APARTMENT NUMBER NEEDED,

                NOT DELIVERED     7:31 P.M.   OAKLAND-OAKLAND, CA, US
                RECEIVER REQUEST PACKAGE
                HELD FOR PICKUP
    4:36 P.M.   OAKLAND-OAKLAND, CA, US   UPS INTERNAL
                ACTIVITY CODE
    4:36 P.M.   OAKLAND-OAKLAND, CA, US   DELIVERY
    1:12 A.M.   OAKLAND HUB, CA, US   OUT FOR DELIVERY
    12:59 A.M.   OAKLAND HUB, CA, US   UNLOAD SCAN
Nov 28, 2001   6:29 P.M.   OAKLAND HUB, CA, US
               ARRIVAL SCAN
Nov 27, 2001   8:46 P.M.   LA-GRANDE VISTA, CA, US
               DEPARTURE SCAN
    9:24 A.M.   LA-GRANDE VISTA, CA, US
                ORIGIN SCAN

Nov 25, 2001   10:54 A.M.   US   BILLING INFORMATION
               RECEIVED

Look at the lines I have underlined. The line time-stamped 7:31 PM
indicates that either Sarah or I called to have the package held at the UPS
depot in Oakland for pickup. Three fallacies behind this:

1. The UPS facility in Oakland is open from 1 PM PST to 6 PM PST.
   Since both of us work, it would take a supernatural act of being in two
   places at once to pick up a package once it was held at UPS’ facility in
   Oakland. As such, we would never ask UPS to do such a thing.
2. Why would the driver so suddenly be informed that we want to have the
   package held? He would be told this once he was already back at the
   depot not in the middle of his route.
3. How could we ask for a package to be held that we didn’t even know
   existed? Were we calling backwards in time from some point in the
   future where we had knowledge of the package’s existence and tracking number
   just to sabotage our past selves in some sort of sado-masochistic time
   twist? That hardly seems likely.

Now look at the line timestamped 8:47 PM. If our package was indeed
heading for the UPS facility, why would the driver care if he needed an
apartment number? That makes no sense at all. What’s more likely
is that the driver just needed an excuse to end his run early and started
using up some of the more obscure non-delivery codes in his little
computer. Finally, look at the line timestamped 9:24 AM. This
package is coming from Los Angeles. The location from whence the
package came is approximately 371 miles from our house. To get the
package to our house in 14 days, you’d have to average 26.5 miles per day,
or a little over one mile an hour. Consider that the average person,
on flat land, averages three miles per hour while walking. That means
that if someone had taken this package and started walking north from LA
with it, and walked only nine hours per day, they could deliver the package in the
same time as UPS who has entire fleets of trucks, planes, forklifts,
computers, and personnel at their disposal. And people wonder why I
look down on UPS with such contempt?

Ira the tortoise seems to be coming around a bit. Decreasing the
overall temperature in his pen seems to have made him a bit more
lively. Last night he also ate a healthy bit of salad greens from his
salad plate. When I got home from work he was happily munching on some
greens, but soon after he saw me he retreated back into his log. I
think it’s going to take some time until he’s used to having people
around.